By Mufasa Goat

SAUGERTIES, NY

September 23rd 2008

Catskill Animal Sanctuary President Rambo Sheep spoke to the sanctuary's animal residents this morning during a State of the Barnyard address, taking time to field questions from the press coop afterwards. The speech was what most expected from the incumbent as a fairly heated election date draws near.

“He showed the characteristic charm that got him elected, but it came off as standard campaign PR to me.” quacked Sassafras, a pekin duck who proudly displayed a Rambo/Franklin '08 sticker on his chest. “During the past year alone we've seen a new duck-house built, and a special pond fenced in for special-needs ducks like me. He's already got my vote! Rambo is good for ducks! Four more years!”

While most of the crowd was just as enthusiastic, there were protesters, most noticeably many farm pigs which expressed outrage over President Rambo's failure to keep the “All You Can Eat” campaign pledge he made during the last election. Rambo was largely criticized when he promised to have the gate entirely removed from the feed storage room for free access to all animals.

“I'm still waiting for my endless meal to begin!” complained Miss Piggerty, a spotted sow.

The protesters were peacefully disrupted before the speech began when several apple slices were thrown into their midst. The crowd was energetic but remained mostly quiet as Rambo began his speech:

“My fellow sanctuary residents, I'm just a simple ram, a refugee from the neglect and abuse many farm animals suffer daily. I will continue to make it my goal to educate human visitors at the sanctuary about the plight of livestock in factory farms, and to make clear that the fates of farm animals and of humans is intertwined. In fact, I look forward to meeting human visitors on Saturday, October 25th at our Farm fest event. It should be a wonderful opportunity to reach out to bipeds of all ages in the spirit of mutual understanding.

It is also it is my pleasure to say with due pride and sincerity that the Good Ol' CAS has flourished during the four years of this administration. We have seen more rescues, more animal adoptions, more shelters built, and more and greener pastures since I began my term of office.

I look forward to staying the course with you toward a future where CAS continues to grow and better serve you, the animals for which it was established by our great founder."

After the applause died down, Helen Heifer, reporter for the Daily Compost, blasted Rambo regarding his perceived lack of support for pasture animals living outside the jurisdiction of the barn.

“That sentiment is utterly ridiculous, and rings of one my opponent's poor attempts at attack ads,” Rambo replied, referencing recent radio spots endorsed by the Barnyard Republic candidate Babe Steer.

Rambo further commented that “enriching the lives of pasture horses, cows, and sheep is of utmost importance to me.” He also elaborated on the fact that three new pastures totaling ten acres had been fenced and made available for the bovine population to graze in just the past year, and that two new cow barns had been completed.

“It's shameful that my opposition routinely seeks to turn the Bovine population against me. We are all part of the same family at CAS. Don't go playing the species card,” Rambo uttered.

The President also made reference to the labor shortage at the sanctuary and made a pledge to recruit more volunteers this fall. The sanctuary is currently suffering from its seasonal drop-off of student help as school sessions begin anew. “I urge all available humans to get involved, as this great Sanctuary cannot thrive without you.”

Rambo appeared uneasy regarding inquiries about the recent “Feed-Room-Gate” scandal, where witnesses claim to have seen him inside the feed room gate he had once pledged to remove. Witness testimonies have described Rambo as helping himself to unlimited quantities of grain and produce while angry pigs and goats watched hungrily from the outside. “I have no comment at this time,” was all the President had to offer.

Rambo still staunchly defended Vice President Franklin Pig in spite of lingering resentment over Franklin's surprise party-switch last election. In reply to allegations that the Vice President flip-flopped on the military actions of the previous administration, Rambo replied, “I cannot believe that four years later this has come up as an issue. He's a great pig, and a good animal. Franklin always opposed the farm pig invasion of the duck pond, as do I. No secret feed bins were found, and there was never any credible evidence of grain processing plants.”

Rambo elaborated by explaining, “The way to alleviate supply shortages is not to give into fear and seize the assets of other species, but to make known to the helpful humans out there what our needs are. I implore the good people who believe in the work CAS does to consider becoming members. We depend on membership dues for much of the day-to-day expenses such as keeping adequate food and medical supplies in stock.

Regarding concerns of over-population, Rambo stayed firm on his neutering policy, and urged humans to consider adopting animals already in need rather than support breeding. “Adopting an animal from CAS not only enriches the human's life, and the life of the animal, but it frees up space and resources so that CAS can save someone else in need. Adoptions are a vital part of the healing cycle here at CAS.”

The first Ovine, Hannah Ewe, then rushed the hay-bale podium and began to chew on it. The President shook at her in disdain then defecated before departing.