by Phillip Rooster
SAUGERTIES, NY
September 25, 2008
On a brisk morning that was our first real taste of autumn, Babe Steer, the Barnyard Republic's Presidential candidate at Catskill Animal Sanctuary, made an appearance outside his campaign headquarters, where he commented on the State of the Barnyard Address President Rambo delivered earlier in the week.
The hulking black steer casually wiped away a smudge of post-breakfast cud from his lips before engaging a small crowd of supporters and press.
“Well, those were nice words President Rambo delivered the other day. He's right that there has been lots of positive progress made at CAS, and we should all be proud. This organization has helped hundreds of animals and we owe thanks to all our human supporters. We have a great history here at CAS and our mission is more important than ever.”
“I was very moo-ved by my recent read through Where The Blind Horse Sings, a wonderful book that chronicles the birth of CAS and the lives of its colorful animal residents.” Babe paused to chew a patch of clover before continuing. “But there's so much more to do, and many more ways to involve the humans. I'd like to look the President in the eye and tell him my plans for the future, but of course, I never see him out here in the pastures. Maybe he's forgotten there are animals outside the barn?” He paused while supporters with BABE/TED 08' banners shouted in agreement.
“I guess we'd see more of President Rambo out here with the cow herd if we had a feed storage room. I hear the President likes his food. In fact, I hear he like everybody's food.” Again the crowd exploded in laughter and cheers.
“I invite him to come on out. He shouldn't have any trouble with the gate.” Babe jabbed, referring to the recent “Feed-Room-Gate” scandal that has haunted President Rambo's re-election campaign.
“Like the President, I'm a farm animal who comes from humble beginnings. I spent time with animals in distress, working animals, animals that were ready to go to slaughter. I have been to the stockyards. I have not lost touch with my roots by lurking around a kitchen all day.”
Several members of the press attempted to goad Babe into commenting on Feed-Room-Gate, but instead he chose to address more pertinent issues. On the topics of population, supply shortages, and health care, Babe was very vocal. “I believe our animal sponsorship program is a superb way to ensure that critters get the attention and resources they need. Generous humans can sponsor a critter online, contributing monthly to support their animal. They even get a photo of their grateful animal friend in the mail!”
“As for health care, I always want the best for our animals. I will make it my mission, however, to guarantee no more scary vaccination shots, and no more repulsive de-worming medicines!” There was mixed response to these statements.
“I know needles are scary, and oral medicines taste well, vile... but we have a pretty good health care system in place. More funding is always helpful though,” commented Zen the Goat, who came out from the barn to hear Babe speak. “I'm on the fence about who to vote for. But that's okay…we goats love to climb things.”
When some of the press became aggressive and inundated Babe with various public concerns, the normally subdued Babe became irate.
“As I have been saying all along, it's the economy, jackass!” The crowd gasped until Babe made it clear that the reporter he was addressing was a visiting donkey, and that the term jackass was entirely appropriate and in no way speciesist or insensitive.
“We need to stimulate economic growth. We are a not-for-profit organization that depends entirely on the good will of humans who believe in our work of rescue, rehabilitation, and education. I plan to encourage humans to shop at our online store where each purchase means more money raised for the animals.”
“I will also humbly ask for donations, from kind-hearted humans able to contribute to our continued well-being. Further, I will encourage humans to attend our enjoyable fundraising events. I myself will be at the October 25th FarmFest! It will be a kid-friendly day full of great activities where visiting humans can meet us up close and personal. And while my opponent will probably still be knee-deep in the grain bin, I’ll be happy to sign autographs!”
“For a more grown-up good time, I heartily endorse the STAND UP FOR ANIMALS comedy benefit on November 9 at the Lark Tavern in Albany NY. It will be a lot of laughs! Unfortunately, archaic health codes prohibit my attendance.”
Babe tried to evade answering allegations of public intoxication, but begrudgingly commented. “I am a ruminant. I have a multi-chambered organ that pre-digests my meals. Yes, it is true in theory that if I ate enough apples they would ferment in my stomach and cause intoxication. But that has never happened! Come on, I weight over two thousand pounds! Do you know how many apples I'd have to eat?”
Babe further elaborated that this apple-fermentation rumor was just a tactic by the Veggie-Crats to go negative after the Feed-Room-Gate debacle.
“Rambo should be im-peached. I should not be im-appled.” He said.
A small group of animals representing the Green Pastures Party carried protest signs in reference to their candidates being shut out of the upcoming debates.
“Babe and Ted are BIG animals. They don’t even notice the smaller critters,” complained Green Pasture Party representative Beacon, the PotBelly pig. “My candidate of choice, Nutmeg the Hen, should have a chance to debate with Rambo and Babe. We shouldn’t have to shout to be heard.”
Babe responded with a similar sentiment. “My people have been in contact with the President, and we are looking into the possibility of including a third party in the debates. Let it be known that the Barnyard Republic has always supported a more open debate forum.”
Responding to criticism of his choice of running mate, Babe responded. “My running mate is a fine example of Shire draft horse. He's worked hard his entire life: pulling logs, pulling carriages in the mean streets of Manhattan, and was forced into hard labor until he was saved by humans who knew better. I am proud to stand with Ted the Horse in my bid to be the next President of CAS. He knows what it's like to be taken for granted, and what it means to be given sanctuary.”
Widespread concerns that “Big Ted” the horse had speciesist prejudices against pigs have plagued the Barnyard Republic's campaign from the beginning. And his very advanced age, as evidenced by severe and frequent flatulence, has also been a hurdle. Ted himself made an appearance and addressed those concerns.
“I don't hate pigs. I merely hate pigs near my stall,” Ted snorted. “I am not anti-pig. I admit, I have tried to bite pigs that trespassed too close to my living space, but I couldn't bend down low enough to actually sink my teeth into them. And as for my gas? I manage it with probiotics. It really does not impact my performance.”
Ted then tried to turn the species issue back on the President. “He said not to switch horses in mid-stream. Well, I'm a horse, and I'm offended!” This statement was met by resounding whinnies and neighs from the sanctuary's equine population.
When pressed on his attitude on strong borders, Ted commented, "I believe in a strong defense. You see this?” Ted gestured toward the wire perimeter of the pasture. “Now THAT's a fence! More fences. Fewer wandering pigs. We need stronger laws and more fences. I know not all pigs are bad, but we need to keep the bad ones out of the horse pastures.”
“How can that guy claim to represent us?” groaned Farfi the farm pig. “That's it, I'm voting Green this year!”
Ted departed soon after his partner Maxx arrived, so that they might spend quality time with one another. Babe smiled at the crowd and departed with a final comment.
“We'll see who holds up during the debates. I can answer questions until the cows come home.”